Duque Long

Thursday, March 18, 2004

three wise men fireman

Driving through a small Southern town I saw a "Nativity Scene"
that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it.
One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing
firemen's helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I
decided to stop at a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town.
I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.

She responded in annoyance, "You Yankees never do read the
Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply did not recall anything
about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled
through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a
passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right
here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"

***

The shoe dealer was interviewing a potential salesman.
"Suppose," he said, "a lady customer were to remark while
you were trying to fit her, 'Don't you think one of my
feet is bigger than the other?' What would you say?"

"I would say, 'On the contrary, Ma'am, one is smaller
than the other.'"

"The job is yours."

***

"Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right,
tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good,
lucky feeling." --Jack Handey

***

"'I have done that,' says my memory. 'I cannot have done
that' - says my pride, and remains adamant. At last - memory
yields." --Friedrich Nietzsche

***

After 50 years of wondering why he didn't look like his
younger sister or brother, the man finally got up the nerve
to ask his mother if he was adopted.

"Yes, you were son," his mother said as she started to cry
softly. "but it didn't work out and they brought you back."

***

There's an old saying that if it weren't for the last minute
nothing would get done. Well, thank goodness for that last
minute! On January 30th Mason finally found a New Year's Eve
party that wasn't sold out. They saw us coming, though. The
tickets were a hundred dollars per person.

But what are you going to do? I'm still too young and good-
looking to sit home on New Year's Eve with the X-Box and a
case of beer. Well...too young anyway.

I have no idea if I had a good time yet. I'll fill you in on
any good stores next week.

Make sure you write 2004 on your checks.

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# posted by Duque Long : 11:23 AM

success of Mel Gibsons movie

"Because of the success of Mel Gibson's movie, CBS has decided
to rebroadcast its TV movie from 2000 called, 'Jesus.' And Fox
has a special called, 'When Apostles Attack.'" --Jay Leno

***

"You've done such a nice job decorating the White House."
--Singer and reality TV celebrity Jessica Simpson commenting
to Interior Secretary Gale Norton at a White House luncheon.

***

One finds the most romantic people at home improvement
centers. My son was helping a couple purchase a new door
for their home. After he asked what size they needed, the
stumped husband yelled clear across the store to his wife
in home supplies, "Honey, c'mon over here and see which
one of these door you can fit through!"

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the special was
two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.

"Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."

"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine
cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress
warned her.

"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife
asked incredulously. "I'll take the special."

"How do you want your eggs?"

"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the eggs
home.

***
We all know that Columbus believed the world was round when
others believed it was flat and that if you traveled far
enough you would go over the edge. We also know that Columbus
reached what we now know as America. While there are still a
few who believe Columbus returned to Spain and told Queen
Isabella that he discovered a new world, most believe he had
told her he had reached India. Recently documents written by
Queen Isabella's official scribe were uncovered revealing what
Columbus actually said on returning from his first voyage.
His first words were, "I'll bet I'm the first man who ever
got nineteen hundred miles on a galleon."

[Before anyone starts sending in emails, yes, I know that
most educated people knew the world was round long before
Columbus sailed. Even the ancient Greeks suspected the
shape of the Earth from observing lunar eclipses. But, hey,
I didn't write the joke! If you're still curious you can
look here: http://octopus.gma.org/space1/nav_map.html ]

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# posted by Duque Long : 10:26 AM

taxes right around corner

Well, it's about that time again. Taxes are right around the
corner. Hope I didn't put anybody off their morning coffee
by using bad language there.

Fortunately, my brother-in-law Frank is usually willing to
help me out with my 1040s and my 1099s. He's an investment
guy so he knows his way around the tax code pretty well.

So this weekend I'm going to pack a folder with all of my
forms, receipts, statements and W-2s and head on over there
with a bribe in the form of some booze. Have to be careful
with that, though! Last year we had a couple glasses of
scotch before we dug into my taxes and ended up looking up
the tax in the wrong bracket.

That can be a problem.

Hopefully I won't have any such adventures this year. So
while I try to figure out where I have all of my tax stuff
hidden, why don't you get started on some laughs?!